When I crash through those doors on the first morning of any trade fair or conference my first goal is always the same – how do I score a free tee? You won’t turn my head with your miniature grooming products or 20% off my next enema, I want a t-shirt that screams – I’M A CHEAPSKATE AND I’M PROUD.
It must be some long forgotten childhood scarring that drives me to bypass my Ramones and Nirvana tees and delve into the darker recesses of my wardrobe for one of my future weekend-gardening fashion statements. My wife has employed countless techniques and strategies to deter me, but my inner free-tee junkie always wins out. Does she really think that washing a beloved white/light printed tee with her shiny new tie-dye leotard will deter me?
It’s the same when we go to quiz nights. Every right answer is a stepping stone closer to the dollar shop star prize. I have desk draws overflowing with plastic pens and a golf bag brimming with BMW/Mercedes/Lexus golf balls – AND I don’t even play golf! (Note: That was a small white lie for literary effect).
It should come as no surprise when I confess that I have been variously called the “all-you-can-eat-buffet burglar”, the “charity shop cavalier” or the “mid-season sale snorter”. There is no depth to which I will not sink in order to obtain that priceless possession that will render my dearest friends and family speechless (read dismayed behind my back).
In recent years I have made an art form of seeking out heavily discounted cruise offerings to war-torn Caribbean dictatorships in the middle of monsoon season. And most recently I’ve signed up for once-in-a-lifetime trip to Mars on the first star freighter flight in 2025 (no free balcony upgrade options on this ship though).
So, stand aside Mr/Mrs Keynote Speaker and prepare to be awestruck as this little bunny engages warp drive to free t-shirt heaven when the doors open at EuroSTAR 2015 in Maastricht.
